speed-roast
Get your website's performance roasted by 26 legendary personas — Elon Musk, Trump, Hemingway, Dostoevsky, MrBeast, Taylor Swift, and more.
npx speed-roast example.com
npx speed-roast example.com --persona trump
npx speed-roast example.com --persona dostoevsky
Zero dependencies. Zero config. Zero cost.
What it checks
| # | Metric | What it measures |
|---|
| 1 | TTFB | Time to First Byte |
| 2 | Total Load Time | Full page download |
| 3 | HTML Size | Page weight in KB |
| 4 | Compression | gzip/brotli enabled? |
| 5 | Cache Headers | Cache-Control present? |
| 6 | Total Scripts | <script> tag count |
| 7 | Inline Scripts | Non-cacheable inline JS |
| 8 | Third-party Scripts | External domain scripts |
| 9 | Stylesheets | Render-blocking CSS files |
| 10 | Redirects | Redirect chain length |
| 11 | Resource Hints | preload/preconnect/prefetch |
| 12 | Images | Image count |
Personas (26)
Writers
| Persona | Flag |
|---|
| Ernest Hemingway | --persona hemingway |
| Marcel Proust | --persona proust |
| George Orwell | --persona orwell |
| J.R.R. Tolkien | --persona tolkien |
| Vladimir Nabokov | --persona nabokov |
| Agatha Christie | --persona christie |
| Mikhail Bulgakov | --persona bulgakov |
| Fyodor Dostoevsky | --persona dostoevsky |
| Strugatsky Brothers | --persona strugatsky |
| Ray Bradbury | --persona bradbury |
Tech Leaders
| Persona | Flag |
|---|
| Elon Musk | --persona musk |
| Sam Altman | --persona altman |
| Steve Jobs | --persona jobs |
| Jeff Bezos | --persona bezos |
Public Figures
| Persona | Flag |
|---|
| Donald Trump | --persona trump |
Entertainment
| Persona | Flag |
|---|
| Quentin Tarantino | --persona tarantino |
| Christopher Nolan | --persona nolan |
| Ryan Reynolds | --persona reynolds |
| Keanu Reeves | --persona keanu |
Creators
| Persona | Flag |
|---|
| MrBeast | --persona mrbeast |
| Taylor Swift | --persona swift |
| Kanye West | --persona kanye |
| Zendaya | --persona zendaya |
| Timothee Chalamet | --persona chalamet |
| Billie Eilish | --persona billie |
Options
-p, --persona <id> Choose persona (default: random)
-l, --list List all available personas
-h, --help Show help
Examples
# Random persona
npx speed-roast competitor.com
# Specific persona
npx speed-roast mysite.com --persona tolkien
# List all personas
npx speed-roast --list
How it works
- Fetches your page with timing measurements
- Analyzes 12 performance signals (TTFB, compression, caching, scripts, etc.)
- Generates a roast in the selected persona's voice
- Gives you a score from F to A
No API keys. No LLM calls. Everything runs locally with zero dependencies.
See also
- seo-roast — SEO audit with the same 26 personas
License
MIT - Citedy
citedy
